It is something talked about. It is more than a job, a career or even a passion. It is what you were MADE for. The impact you were MADE to have on this world. I have struggled with this my entire life. Why? Because I have followed that quiet voice inside my entire life. Every major decision, every road I have taken, easy or hard, has never been based on what I THINK I should do. I have stepped out in blind faith that I am meant for something and that voice cannot be ignored.
I made hard decisions. I took on enormous amounts of debt. I forgave wrongs that brought me to my knees is both anger and grief. I moved away from my family, the most important people in my life, to follow that voice. I have missed holidays, funerals, weddings, moments with my children or husband that can never been given back. And you ask me, was it all worth it?
That voice, that “gut” feeling brought me to medicine, to my current career. Then, radio silence.
I have spent an uncomfortable amount of time waiting. Recovering from profound burnout. Working. Being asked what my 5 year plan is. I did not have one. I was learning; planting myself where I was and waiting for my “what’s next.” I have read more books on leadership, business, purpose, finding your strengths, cultivating a career and goal setting than I would have ever imagined. I thought I was buying time. I was drawn to all of these topics as though completely lost.
Then, the voice started to whisper. So quietly I did not hear it at first. Such brief moments.
But, it has grown louder, stronger - but is still not quite interpretable. But I feel it. I FEEL that excitement, the instinct of knowing something BIG is coming. Knowing that I was not wasting my time, I was building skills, educating myself, becoming inspired again. To do more, to be more. I was unknowingly arming myself with tools I would need to pursue my calling when it came again.
I cannot define that 5 year plan right now, I am not sure I will ever be able to do that (particularly given that I have never had one before). But, I WILL keep going. Keep listening and waiting on the edge of the unknown for my next big adventure.
My calling. What is it? It my heart of hearts, when I am honest with myself, it is more. It is more than simply being a doctor, which is a noble calling in and of itself, but I know it is not mine. It is more than what I am now. It is transforming medicine. It is helping other physicians find passion in medicine. It is doing what’s hard, to do what is right.
I am meant for more that mediocre. So you are. Part of my calling is to prove that.