This post was written several months ago. Sadly, with COVID-19 cases on the rise, this has never been more accurate. And frankly, I have never been more exhausted, then when my mask falls….
When my mask falls, I am reminded of the masks I see trampled on the ground, unknown if they are worn with use or simply worn down by the tread marks seen over the top, devaluing them and rendering them useless.
But, that is only one way a mask falls, the other is simply when I take it off and allow it to flutter down onto my paper towel, waiting for the next time I will don it again.
Given all my years in medical training, I have worn masks for more hours than I can ever count. Yet, it is still true that I have worn masks for longer periods of time this year than ever before. Taking my mask off in the past, was a simple thoughtless endeavor. It was almost freeing, in fact, to take it off and discard the mask and never think about it again.
Unfortunately, that is no longer the case.
My world is inundated with data regarding COVID-19; how this virus is transmitted, how masks work, which masks are best, how to care for patients and what treatments actually work. To protect myself, my family, my colleagues, and my patients, I continue to wear my mask. And the mask, once seemingly light as a feather, now is heavy burden due to the continued lack of mask use, the need for persistent education and advocacy within my daily work, and on the greater public health level for myself and my colleagues. To continually repeat that COVID-19, and public health strategies, do not care which way you align politically.
The truth is, now when my mask falls, it is no longer a light sense of freedom , but a reminder of the weight carried. In fact, sometimes it is a weight of sadness, for the lives lost to COVID-19, and the grief echoing throughout our communities. Sometimes, it is my own emotional toll of losing another patient, of bearing witness to the heartache of the families, friends, and all of the frontline healthcare workers for each patient we lose to COVID-19.
Some days, it is the frustration and anger over the transition from a mask being a measure of safety, into a divisive argument, when what we really need is collaboration and coming together within this pandemic to save lives. To save the lives of our future patients, colleagues, family members, and frankly, ourselves.
And some days, the mask falls with the burden of burnout in healthcare, further fueled by this pandemic. On those days, thinking of all the frontline healthcare workers who have also lost their lives to COVID-19, lifting the mask up may is like lifting barbells and placing them back on my face. It is weight that I remain called to carry, but that weight is lighter with every person who strives to prevent the spread of COVID-19.
I, along with my colleagues, remain steadfast with science, armed with education, and determined to defeat COVID-19 to the best of our ability. We were called to practice medicine, but none of use could have imaged the situation we find ourselves in today.
To my colleagues, many of whom carry a similar burden as they don and doff their masks each day, may we lift each other up, reach out to each other in support, and continue to fight until once again, the mask feels light.
To those of you who know, or love a frontline healthcare worker, give them grace. Raise them up, and remember, every time they see you wear your mask & practice social distancing, you help lighten weight they carry.